Talk about it Tuesday - The WRONG guy!
/One of the hardest things in life is knowing when to walk away from a relationship! When you have developed feelings for someone or they have been part of your everyday life for a long time, it’s hard to imagine living without them by your side. I see my friends struggle with this, and I struggled with this when I was dating. When we meet someone, its only natural to show our good traits first…unfortunately, this doesn't always reveal the entirety of a person. Several times in my dating life, I found that I had already developed strong feelings for someone by the time their bad traits were seen…making it nearly impossible to walk away from the relationship!
I was also a sucker for potential. I waited around, hoping a guy would live up to who I knew he could be. All the while, I was ignoring the lazy bum in front of me!
So when do you know it’s time to walk away?
Trust your gut!
Looking back on my past relationships, I often knew deep-down that I needed to end things long before I did. The problem was I didn't really want to. I was comfortable, afraid of being alone, or worst of all….scared that I wouldn’t find a better match and I would be alone forever. I feel like this is where I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and worry. Trying to force a relationship to work is not what God wants for your life! If it’s that difficult in the dating stage…it’s certainly not going to get any easier! Can you live with that?
Am I in love with them or with who I think they could be?
An important question to ask is, “If it doesn't get any better than it is today, can I do this forever?” This is a pretty good place to start when you are worried you’re in love with someone’s potential. Do you want them to go back to school, get a better job, take you more seriously? If you’re constantly having to push or nag…you might be in love with the ghost of significant other future. This is dangerous. This was particularly challenging in my college years, because everyone is working toward something. So you’re going to have to exercise good judgment. If they are saying they want to be a doctor and they’re in med school, obviously that person is headed there. But if they are saying they’re going to be a millionaire astronaut, but they over 21 years old with no education and flipping burgers…sister, you better take a step back.
What is God telling me?
This is SOOO IMPORTANT! I am here to speak truth to you. God moves in many different ways. My favorite pastor used to say that God will get our attention in 3 ways…
His word - Is this relationship biblical? Is this person a good spiritual match for you? When you read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and you put their name in the place of the word love, are those things true? <———I know that sounds corny, but it’s a good little test!
His people - What do your friends and family think about your relationship? Do you find yourself purposely keeping details of your relationship from them, for fear that they will disapprove? I think everyone has at least one person that is their “ride-or-die”. You trust this person, they make judgement calls about things that are almost always right, and they love love love you. What does that person think?
Your circumstances - Has this relationship put you in a compromised place? I’m not talking about being flat broke and homeless because he took all your money (but if that has happened, definitely leave). I’m talking about the more subtle circumstances. Maybe this person has chipped away at your self-esteem, or your relationship has made you more envious or brought out other personal traits you don't like. These circumstances don't always have to be so drastic to make impactful change. If your life has changed, in any way, for the worse since you relationship began…then you might need to do some serious evaluation.
Make a list!
Several years ago my parents and I were visiting a local church, when an older gentleman asked if I was married or had a boyfriend. At the time, I had neither. I responded “No”…and my mother was quick to add “…but we’re praying hard!” Little did I know, this well-meaning man was about to give me advice that would change my life.
He told me to go home and get out a piece of paper. Write the date at the top. On the front, write every trait you are looking for in a husband. On the back write everything positive that you think you can offer as a wife. He encouraged me to prayerfully consider what I wrote, and to not be afraid to get specific. I should revisit my list often and edit it as needed. But in the meantime, I was to fold the paper up and put it somewhere where I would see it often and be reminded to pray about the things I asked for. Then he spoke over my life almost prophetically, “I bet a husband will come around in about a year’s time! Here’s my business card, invite me to the wedding”.
Y’all. I thought this guy was crazy. I didn’t know him from the man in the moon, and here he was giving me advice about my personal life. But, I went home and did what he said. The list of what I wanted was pretty easy for me to make. The one about my strengths….not so easy. When I was done, I put my folded list in my wallet and went about my life.
I began to use the list as a sort of check list. If I went out with someone a few times, but they didn’t match the my dream “list man”, then I stopped seeing them. It was nice for me to have my criteria for my partner mapped out and it made the decisions so much easier for me. I no longer felt myself bending my desires to make a person fit my life more perfectly. God and I had already talked it through, and I wasn't going to settle for less than we agreed upon!
I wrote my list on March 22, 2015. On July 13, 2016 I responded to a message on Match.com from Alex. I knew within a few days that he checked off every single item. I wrote some strange things, (even I was surprised by what I felt led to list) but when I met Alex, they immediately took on a new meaning. For crying out loud…I wanted “chemistry” with a “inspiring” man. God send me a Chemist that moved to the United States at 23 and built his own American dream from scratch. I mean, really?! Talk about inspiring. GOD IS SO GOOD!
All of that to say. Make a list! We shop for everything else in our life with intention…why not shop for your soulmate? If you keep browsing, you’re running the risk of getting something from the clearance rack that doesn't fit!
I know some of you are struggling with being single and what God has in store for you. I am here to tell you…it’s time to stop playing. God wants to give you the desires of your heart, but you’re going to have to quit clinging to your fear and let him do it! He’s not going to send you Mr. Right when you’re still entertaining someone he has told you is Mr. Wrong! Don’t block your own blessings!
So…do you have any changes to make? Now is the time!
